The Ultimate Justice League Songfic
by Ugly-Girl
Summary: The DCU Falls In Love v.2: See how bad it can really get. Parts 11-15 Uploaded.
1. Part One of Many, I'm Sure

THE ULTIMATE JL SONGFIC   
  
Part One of Many, I'm Sure   
  
"Diana!"   
  
Diana looked up from the tub of ice cream she was demolishing to see Batman at the galley door, gesturing to her urgently.   
  
"Come on, I've got to show you something."   
  
Diana frowned. Was that laughter she heard in his voice? Had the Joker done something to him?   
  
"Hurry!"   
  
Warily, she stood, followed him down the corridor to his quarters. She cocked an eyebrow as he entered. "Batman, I know that we've got this thing between us, but I don't think I'm ready for…" Her sentence ended on a cry of surprise as he jerked her through the doorway. "Batman! How dare…you…" Her voice faded as she registered the sound coming from one of the speakers in the room.   
  
Was that Superman?   
  
Batman hit a button on a bank of monitors, and each screen lit up with a different angle to the monitor womb. Superman was in there, alone -- but he wasn't in silence.   
  
_I can't stand to fly __  
I'm not that naive   
I'm just out to find   
The better part of me   
_  
Diana clapped a hand over her mouth. Superman was singing.   
  
Batman grinned. "I have access to the security monitors in every room, just in case someone breaks into the Watchtower. I can observe them from here. I just happened to come upon this by accident." He didn't add that he'd been watching her eat in the kitchen for almost an hour: hamburgers, pizza, ice cream--the girl could really pack it away. He had hoped that after dinner she'd go to her room and shower…he had cameras in there, too…but then he'd seen Clark.   
  
Ah, it was never a bad time to poke fun at the Boy Scout. Especially in front of Diana -- they had so much in common, like matching costumes and sweet dispositions, that Bruce was often afraid that he'd wake up one morning to find that Clark had stolen her heart.   
  
_I'm more than a bird…I'm more than a plane __  
More than some pretty face beside a train   
It's not easy to be me_   
  
"More than some pretty face beside a train?" Batman echoed, and began laughing.   
  
Diana frowned. "And why would he think that he's less than a bird or a plane?"   
  
_Wish that I could cry __  
Fall upon my knees   
Find a way to lie   
About a home I'll never see   
_  
Onscreen, Clark twirled in the middle of the room, his cape flaring outward. He lifted his hands as he sang. Bruce laughed harder.   
  
"That's kind of sad, actually," Diana sighed. "It's true that he'll never see his home again."   
  
_It may sound absurd…but don't be naive __  
Even Heroes have the right to bleed   
I may be disturbed…but won't you concede   
Even Heroes have the right to dream   
It's not easy to be me   
_  
Diana smiled. "Actually, I think that you might have the corner on 'disturbed'."   
  
"Probably," Batman said dryly, his laughter finally under control. "'It's not easy to be me', though? Having all that strength and power must be real tough." He added sarcastically.   
  
"Well…" Diana said, "it can be, sometimes."   
  
He gave her a disbelieving stare. "X-Ray vision, superstrength, superspeed," he ticked off the powers on his fingers, "Super freeze breath -- what the heck is that? -- heat vision…he should try taking down five criminals carrying guns with just his wits and a batarang."   
  
_Up, up and away…away from me __  
It's all right…You can all sleep sound tonight   
I'm not crazy…or anything…   
_  
"Not at all," Batman muttered. "It's perfectly normal to dance around a monitor room singing your lungs out."   
  
"You aren't exactly one to talk," Diana said, her voice cold.   
  
Batman turned to stare at her.   
  
_I can't stand to fly __  
I'm not that naive   
Men weren't meant to ride   
With clouds between their knees   
_  
"Don't you even understand what he's trying to say? He feels lonely, alienated from the world because of his great power."   
  
Superman continued to twirl, then he danced over to the chair, leaning back against it dramatically as he finished the song.   
  
_I'm only a man in a silly red sheet __  
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street   
Only a man in a funny red sheet   
Looking for special things inside of me   
inside of me ...... inside of me ...   
  
Batman_ frowned. "You can't see the humor in this?"   
  
"No!" Diana said. "It makes me sad for him." She turned, strode toward the door. "And I'm going to go pick up my tub of ice cream and take it to the monitor room to share with him. He needs a friend right now."   
  
The sound of the door slamming melded with the final strains of the song. Bruce turned back to the monitors, watched without smiling as Clark spun around, lifted his arms as he bellowed out the final refrain:   
  
_I'm only a man in a funny red sheet __  
I'm only a man looking for my dream   
I'm only a man in a funny red sheet   
  
It's not easy ... wu.. hoo.. hoo..   
It's not easy to be me...   
  
_"It's not easy to be me, either, Clark," he said as he watched Diana enter the room, her arms loaded with ice cream, and smile at Superman.   
  
Superman smiled back at her.   
  
Uh-oh.   
  
Looked like he was going to have to do something drastic to win back Diana now -- something that included showing her how much he really did appreciate Superman.   
  
He sat down on his bed to think, watching the two heroes compare the primary color schemes on their costumes. He looked down -- nope, he was going to have to stick with black.   
  
That meant only one thing: singing to Diana.   
  
Oh, god.   
  
TO BE CONTINUED


	2. Part Two of a Billion

Part Two of a Billion   
"Absolutely not." Shayera crossed her arms, stared at Batman.   
  
He stared back. He always won in staring contests, he wasn't even sure why she bothered.   
  
She stared. He stared.   
  
His eyes began to hurt from the lack of moisture on them. He wanted to blink so badly he could feel it in his little toe.   
  
He blinked. And swore.   
  
Hawkgirl grinned. "I've got an invisible second eyelid that keeps my eyes moisturized and protected while I fly."   
  
"…superpowers….dumb…whiny…it's not easy to be me…" Batman muttered.   
  
"What was that?"   
  
"Nothing." Batman cleared his throat. "What if I said 'Please'?"   
  
Shayera rolled her eyes -- her damn moisturized eyes, Bruce thought. "Sure, if you throw in a free trip to the French Riviera, too," she said sarcastically.   
  
"Done!" Batman said. There were benefits to being a secret billionaire. "Let's go practice."   
  
"Wait--" Shayera protested. "What?"   
  
"You'll get your trip." Batman pushed her toward her bedroom. "Do you have a stereo in there?"   
  
"Of course, but--"   
  
"Look, if you just do this, you've got an all-expenses paid trip to the Riviera. And I'll make it tickets for two, if you like -- if this works out like it should. You just have to do this one little thing with me."   
  
Shayera hesitated, weighing the humiliation that she knew was coming against a week of fun and sun in France. "All right, come in," she grumbled, and led him into her bedroom. "We'll do it."   
  
**********   
  
John stopped around the corner of the hallway, his ears picking up Batman's and Shayera's voices.   
  
_Look, if you just do this, you've got an all-expenses paid trip to the Riviera. And I'll make it tickets for two, if you like -- if this works out like it should. You just have to do this one little thing with me. __  
  
All right, come in. We'll do it.   
_  
He turned the corner just in time to see Batman's cape disappear into the room, and the door shut behind them. His heart pounded, and he considered breaking through the door, demanding to know what in the hell Shayera thought she was doing, and smashing Batman to a pulp with a big green fist.   
  
Just last night it had been John in there…making sweet love to his little hawk. His back still had marks from her claws.   
  
Instead of killing Batman and yelling at the love of his life, however, he ran to the exercise room. If he lifted weights long enough, maybe the pain in his heart would be replaced by the pain in his big Marine muscles.   
  
He stopped before he actually made it there. His big Marine muscles? God, that sounded pathetic, not to mention ridiculously stupid. He went to the kitchen, got three bottles of Diana's wine, and headed back to his room instead.   
  
He was off duty, and he was going to get smashing drunk.   
  
Well, he was going to try, anyway. It was a pity that Superman didn't allow hard liquor in the Watchtower, and he and Flash had used all of the beer up the last weekend. He was probably just going to get sick, not drunk.   
  
He passed Shayera's room on the way to his, heard giggles and the beat of loud, throbbing music.   
  
"Arrgh!" He ran the rest of the way to his room.   
  
Inside, he uncorked one bottle, took a drink directly from it.   
  
A big drink.   
  
A really, really big drink.   
  
"Red, red wine," he whispered. "Goes to my head. Makes me forget that I still need her so." He finished off the bottle, grabbed the second one.   
  
Batman. Shayera. He uncorked and guzzled.   
  
Feeling the warmth steal into his big Marine muscles, he sat down on the bed, his mind whirling dizzily. "Red, red wine, it's up to you," he said to the bottle. "All I can do I've done. Memories won't go."   
  
He realized fuzzily that the bottle kind of seemed like a microphone. He brought it to his lips, and after another drink, sang.   
  
_I'd have thought that with time __  
Thoughts of you would leave my head   
I was wrong now I find   
Just one thing makes me forget   
_  
He paused long enough to take another sip, then looked at the bottle, stroking the condensation from its neck tenderly. "Just one thing makes me forget -- that's you, baby," he told the dark glass container.   
  
Forgetting Shayera for a moment, he concentrated solely on the liquid in the bottle. He loved it at that moment. Nothing was sweeter, nothing was better. He crooned:   
  
_Red, red wine stay close to me __  
Don't let me be alone   
It's tearing apart   
My blue heart   
_  
He finished the second bottle, hiccuped, and passed out.   
  
TO BE CONTINUED


	3. Part Three of Twenty Seven Point Six

Part Three of Twenty Seven Point Six   
  
Batman frowned. "I don't think I can do that."   
  
Shayera turned to look at him. "Do you want to impress her or not?"   
  
"I want to maintain my dignity while impressing her."   
  
Shayera snorted. "We wear tights in public, genius. So just try it. I hear it drives all the girls outside of America nuts." She added under her breath, so quietly that he didn't hear her. "Or, at least it used to. Back in the day."   
  
And Diana did grow up outside of America, she thought.   
  
Batman glowered for a moment, then took a deep breath, spun around, grabbing his crotch and bending his knees so that he was poised on his toes. "Ow!" he said.   
  
"No! You sound like you hurt yourself." Shayera did the move, ended on Ow! and said, "See? It has to be done so that the Ow! is more like a funky cry. Use the same type of breath and effort you would with a karate kick. But instead of Hi-Yah! it is Ow!"   
  
"I don't make noises when I kick," Batman said. "That would hardly help me sneak up on anyone."   
  
Shayera rolled her eyes. "Whatever." She pulled a CD from her shelf.   
  
Batman grimaced. He'd known he'd seen that move she'd shown him somewhere. On the front cover of the jewel case, a man in leather clothing glared out at his audience. Red letters across the front declared that he was 'Bad'.   
  
Somehow, although many women seemed to be attracted to bad boys, he didn't think that song would do anything for Diana.   
  
"I don't want to sing that I'm 'bad'. She thinks that I'm a jerk right now, I don't want to confirm her current opinion."   
  
Shayera gave him a withering glance. "I know that. So I chose a song that had her name in it – nothing is better than a guy who seems to sing directly to, and for, a specific woman."   
  
"It's a song about a woman named Diana?"   
  
"Yes," Hawkgirl said, slipping the CD into the player. She threw the sleeve with the lyrics at Batman. "Now sing along. It's track number nine."   
  
He flipped through the small booklet as the heavy, throbbing music started. The singer had already begun when he finally found the tiny lines of the song, and he rushed to catch up to him, began automatically reading the words without really registering their meaning.   
  
"No!" Shayera shouted over the music. "Sing, don't read!"   
  
Batman gave her a Batglare, but complied, beginning in the middle of the first verse:   
  
_I've Been Here Times Before __  
But I Was Too Blind To See   
That You Seduce Every Man   
This Time You Won't Seduce Me   
_  
"Uh, isn't this exactly the opposite of the message I want to give her? And insulting as well?" Batman wondered.   
  
"Shut up! Sing!"   
  
A Batglower, but he sang.   
  
_She's Saying That's Ok __  
Hey Baby Do What You Please   
I Have The Stuff That You Want   
I Am The Thing That You Need   
She Looked Me Deep In The Eyes   
She's Touchin' Me So To Start   
She Says There's No Turnin' Back   
She Trapped Me In Her Heart   
_  
Well, maybe it isn't so bad, Batman thought. Looking into eyes, touching, hearts – that was all kind of feminine and mushy, even if the beat of the music wasn't romantic at all. He sang the next part.   
  
_Dirty Diana, Nah __  
Dirty Diana, Nah   
Dirty Diana, No   
Dirty Diana   
Let Me Be!   
  
Batman stopped. Glowered at Shayera, who was giggling uncontrollably.   
  
She wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" She laughed harder. "I couldn't resist!"   
  
"Those tickets to the Riviera are slipping away, fast," he growled.   
  
She slowly controlled her giggles. "There's another song on the CD that might work – it's called 'Liberian Girl', but you could easily change it to 'Themyscirian Girl'."   
  
Batman flipped a page over, read the lyrics. "Liberian girl, you came and you changed my world, a love so brand new." He paused, then used Shayera's suggestion. "Themyscirian girl, you came and you changed me girl, a feeling so true." He skipped down the song, muttering. "…more precious than any pearl…just like in the movies…"   
  
He threw the sleeve down on the desk. "I can't sing that garbage." He added, "And I'm not going to spin around and grab my crotch, either."   
  
Shayera gave him a hard stare. "But you will dance. And you will sing."   
  
He began to stare back at her, then remembered that it was futile. "Yes," he gritted out.   
  
"Okay, so you are too manly for a cheesy love song," Shayera said, tapping her teeth with a fingernail as she thought.   
  
"That's right," he muttered. Manly. Bat-manly.   
  
"And your problem is that you insulted Superman. So we need some way to let Diana know that you really aren't an ass, and that you appreciate Superman."   
  
"Those are, indeed, the facts. Your detective skills continue to astound me," he said.   
  
She glanced at him witheringly, then walked back over to her shelf of music, pulled out another CD and tossed it to him.   
  
He read the name of the group, frowned. "Are we going to have to use and/or ruin the Batmobile for this?"_

TO BE CONTINUED


	4. Part Four of Z

Part Four of Z   
  


John woke up to a pounding in his head and on the door.   
  
More than a pounding. A quick rat-a-tat that was almost a vibration. Which meant one thing: the Flash.   
  
"Oh, god," John groaned. "Don't come in," he yelled, then winced as the sound reverberated in his skull.   
  
The door opened, and Flash stuck his head through. The lightning bolts on the side of his head seemed to wave in front of John's blurry vision. "Was that a 'come in' or 'don't come in'?" Wally grinned.   
  
John groaned again, pulled his pillow over his face. "DON'T come in," he said, his voice muffled.   
  
"Hey, you don't sound so good. Too many late nights with ol' Hawkgirl, huh?"   
  
Flash easily avoided the green beam of energy that threatened to decapitate him.   
  
"Well," he continued, "We—Superman, J'onn, and I—are all heading down to Metropolis – Diana's giving some speech to a bunch of Girl Scouts and Girl Scout leaders, so we are going to support her. Then I thought I'd check out a few nightclubs afterwards. Wanna come?"   
  
John moved the pillow and glared at him.   
  
Wally smirked. "I'll take that as a 'no'. Not that I blame you, since that means you and ol' Macegirl will have the Watchtower to yourself. She's stuck on monitor duty." He waved, then said, "Bye, then." The door slammed behind him.   
  
John put a hand to his aching, swimming head, then ran to the bathroom.   
  
***********   
  
He staggered into the monitor room forty five minutes later, reasonably certain that he no longer smelled like merlot nor vomit.   
  
Shayera swiveled in the chair, smiled at him. "Hey, sexy." He growled, and she her eyebrows drew together. "What's the matter with you?"   
  
Marine training had taught him there were times to be aggressive, to lay all his cards on the table, and a time to be surreptitious.   
  
Perhaps it was the alcohol that lingered in his body, but he chose the former.   
  
"I saw you with him."   
  
She frowned. "With whom?"   
  
Her perfect grammar wouldn't deter him. "With Batman."   
  
She giggled.   
  
Giggled! As if it was funny that she'd trampled his heart to smithereens, just like a big Marine tank rolling over a grapefruit.   
  
"I saw you both go into your room. And only last night I was there."   
  
Her giggles faded. She stood. Got up in his face.   
  
If he hadn't still been half drunk he'd have been smart enough to back away.   
  
This close, Shayera could smell the wine underneath the minty freshness on his breath, realize that he'd been drinking. Which only made her more angry.   
  
And hurt. How could he think that she'd do something like that? Hop from one man's bed to another?   
  
Well, she wasn't going to let him think, then, that he mattered to her. Not if he was so stupid, and didn't trust her.   
  
"I thought we had something special and that I was the only one, Shay—" He probably would have finished her name, and said something else incredibly stupid, but her fist slammed into his jaw, knocking him onto his butt.   
  
"Oops," she said, and smiled sweetly. She crouched, patted his head. "I did it again."   
  
Rubbing his sore chin, he said, "Did what again?"   
  
"I made you believe we're more than just friends. Oh, baby, it might seem like a crush, but it doesn't mean that I'm serious. Cause to lose all my senses—that is just so typically me." She stood, flicked her wings disdainfully. Then, because her voice began to tremble and she didn't want him to know her heart was breaking, she sang the rest of what she wanted to say, knowing that her voice wouldn't falter that way:   
  
_Oops!...I did it again __  
I played with your heart, got lost in the game   
Oh baby, baby   
Oops!...You think I'm in love   
That I'm sent from above   
I'm not that innocent_   
  
She took a deep breath, controlling herself, the trembling in her voice. "These wings don't make me an angel, John. We had fun, but since you are obviously taking things too seriously, I think it is time to break it off."   
  
"Break it off?" he echoed.   
  
She nodded, then turned her back on him, left the room. She threw her final words over her shoulder before exiting, "You can watch the monitors, pig."   
  
John sat on the floor, stunned. He was angry at her infidelity, sure, but he really hadn't expected…   
  
"Wait, Shayera." He climbed to his feet. He ran after her, then settled for a walk when his stomach lurched.   
  
She was at the end of the hall, and he bellowed down the corridor, "How was I supposed to know that something wasn't right here?" She didn't stop, but turned the corner.   
  
Stupid, John! He thought to himself. He took a step forward, but his head swam, and he leaned against the wall.   
  
_I shouldn't have let you go __  
And now you're out of sight, yeah_   
  
The lyrics had barely escaped his lips when he saw her look around the corner, hesitantly began to walk back toward him.   
  
He pushed himself off the wall, determined to LOOK strong, at least. He was a Marine, dammit!   
  
He made his voice louder, so that she could hear him – she was still so far away.   
  
_Show me, how you want it to be __  
Tell me baby   
'Cause I need to know now what we've got_   
  
She walked closer. He sang harder, suddenly desperate.   
  
_My loneliness is killing me __  
I must confess, I still believe   
When I'm not with you I lose my mind   
Give me a sign_   
  
She was right in front of him now. He belatedly realized that her punch earlier might not have been a sign of anger, but a sign of love.   
  
She was Thanagarian, after all. In any case, he was going to risk it, and ask for it:   
  
_Hit me baby one more time. __  
_  
Instead, she reached up and touched his bruised chin, and sang back. Her voice was as sweet as a songbird's, he thought. Well, at least as hoarse as a hawk's. But it warmed his heart, anyway.   
  
_Oh baby, baby __  
The reason I breathe is you   
Boy you got me blinded   
Oh baby, baby   
There's nothing that I wouldn't do   
That's not the way I planned it   
Show me, how you want it to be   
Tell me baby   
'Cause I need to know now what we've got   
  
"Oh, Shay—"   
  
A loud beeping from the monitor room interrupted him.   
  
Flash's voice came through the speaker.   
  
"Help! Help! We've got a thousand rioting Girl Scouts on our hands!"_

TO BE CONTINUED


	5. Part Five of Four

Part Five of Four   
  
Diana glared defiantly at each member of the Justice League sitting around the table. "I was completely justified in my course of action. Thousands of years ago, the Greeks established the mnemonic value of song." She paused, looking at each face, daring them to disagree. "I knew that the best way for those Girl Scouts to remember my message was if I sang it to them. Otherwise, I would just be another good-intentioned droning voice that they would forget the moment they turned MTV back on."   
  
"They'll remember you, all right," Flash muttered. "And within weeks, I'm sure we'll see the lawsuits that will demand the Justice League pay for those girls' therapy bills."   
  
"I can hear you, Flash. I have superhearing," Diana said, scowling.   
  
Superman grimaced. He had superhearing, too, and he regretted that fact the moment she'd started singing.   
  
Not that she had a bad voice – it was beautiful. Exquisite, even. But she had to sing that song…the song that should have been banished from all but the lightest of the light pop rock stations across the country.   
  
"The horror," J'onn whispered, picking up Superman's thoughts. The Martian was still trying to recover from being pelted with Girl Scout cookies. "The horror."   
  
If it had been Oreos, he would have been okay – but Tagalong cookies? Sure, they were topped with creamy peanut butter and covered with rich milk chocolate – but they weren't Oreos.   
  
It had been – in a word – awful.   
  
He tried not to remember, but the scene kept coming back to him…   
  
Three hours earlier…   
  
J'onn could tell that the women really loved Diana – they applauded enthusiastically as she approached the podium, several wore star earrings that matched hers underneath their smartly tilted berets, and he could swear that he could see a peek of star spangled panties on several of the adult women who bent over too far in their chairs.   
  
Not that he'd been looking.   
  
Beside him, Superman looked proudly at his female teammate being warmly greeted by one of the nation's most respected organizations.   
  
"She's a great role model for the girls," Superman whispered to J'onn.   
  
J'onn nodded. "She's strong, confident and smart."   
  
"Not to mention really hot," Flash added.   
  
J'onn and Superman rolled their eyes, but didn't say anything since Diana was starting to speak.   
  
"Thank you, Girl Scouts, for such a wonderful welcome!" Diana beamed, her smile lighting up her already ridiculously beautiful face. "I am supposed to give a speech," she said, "but I'm sure you'll hear enough of those during this convention from others." She paused, and music began to swell through the room.   
  
J'onn groaned.   
  
Superman gaped.   
  
Flash paled. "No…not this song."   
  
"Instead I will sing to you about how to find self-confidence, how to…love yourself."   
  
She stepped back on the stage, carrying the microphone with her.   
  
"Someone kill me now," Flash whispered. "I don't want to be alive to witness this."   
  
_I believe the children are our are future __  
Teach them well and let them lead the way   
Show them all the beauty they possess inside   
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier   
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be   
_  
The younger girls shifted uncomfortably in their seats, while the mothers and group leaders stared in shock.   
  
Superman heard one in the row in front of him say to the other: "Is this a joke?"   
  
J'onn was shaking his head. No, he thought, it wasn't a joke. Life wasn't that cruel.   
  
_Everybody searching for a hero __  
People need someone to look up to   
I never found anyone to fulfill my needs   
A lonely place to be   
So I learned to depend on me   
_  
The music quieted, and each of the men breathed a sigh of relief, thinking that it was over. But then Diana spoke, and they realized she had planned the extension of the music before the next verse so that she could speak.   
  
"You know, I am considered a hero – well, heroine –" she laughed a little "—by many. The hero I used to search for was my mother, but since I've been exiled, I've learned to depend on myself, just like this song says."   
  
The music swelled again.   
  
Flash leaned over to Superman. "She's interspersing her song with dialogue – just like the lounge singers on Saturday Night Live used to!"   
  
He added something else, but it was drowned out by Diana's voice.   
  
_I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows __  
If I fail, if I succeed   
At least I live as I believe   
No matter what they take from me   
They can't take away my dignity   
  
"They? They can't take away your dignity?" J'onn shook his head. "My dear Amazon, little do you know that you are leaving little dignity for them to take."   
  
Superman frowned. Not at J'onn's words – no, he agreed with them – but because the Girl Scouts were getting restless. Very restless.   
  
A cookie was thrown.   
  
_Because the greatest love of all __  
Is happening to me   
I found the greatest love of all   
Inside of me   
The greatest love of all   
Is easy to achieve   
Learning to love yourself   
It is the greatest love of all_   
  
A Thin Mint pegged Flash in the eye.   
  
"Aggh!"   
  
All hell broke loose.   
  
"J'onn! Can you tell what's going on?" Superman shouted, pulling a squirming girl off of his leg before she accidentally pulled down his tights and exposed him.   
  
"After a scan of their minds, I've realized that the lyrics to the song have a deep psychological trigger in these girls – they have an aversion to it! An aversion so great that it overrides their normal social behavior and turns them into animals!"   
  
Then it happened.   
  
As J'onn finished his explanation, he opened his mouth to say something else –   
  
-- and an All About fell onto his tongue.   
  
"Aggh!" he screamed. "It's not an Oreo!"   
  
"Flash!" Superman yelled to the Scarlet Speedster, who was holding a hand to his eye while he dodged cookies and slobbering Girl Scouts. "Get a hold of the Justice League! We need help!"   
  
Looking at the chaos surrounding him, Superman realized there was only one thing for him to do.   
  
Faster than a speeding bullet, he was gone.   
  
***********   
  
"If Superman hadn't acted so quickly, it would have been a very messy scene, Diana," John said gravely.   
  
Diana put her head in her hands, finally admitting to herself that they might be right. "I know, I know. He saved the day." She lifted her eyes to smile warmly at Superman.   
  
Batman, who was sitting to her left and had been heretofore silent, growled.   
  
They all looked at him.   
  
"I just think that it is very strange, Superman," he said through bared teeth, "that you even knew the location of the band at that exact time."   
  
Superman blushed slightly. "Well…Kara asked for some tickets, and I just happened to remember their tour schedule…"   
  
"Sure," Batman said, and fell silent again.   
  
An uncomfortable pause settled over the table, each person – except Superman – wondering how he did know where that band had been.   
  
"All right!" Superman finally said. "I had tickets to their concert last night."   
  
Batman smirked.   
  
J'onn, still recovering from his Cookie Ordeal – it would forever be capitalized in his mind like that – said, "Well, he made a difference. Nothing could have soothed those girls like bringing N'Sync to that convention center."   
  
Everyone around the table nodded, especially Diana, who nodded so hard her tiara shifted. Except for Batman, of course.   
  
Batman was staring at Superman. __It's gonna be me, Boy Scout, he thought._

TO BE CONTINUED


	6. Part Six of Saturday Night

Part Six of Saturday Night   
  
"Ah, crap," Wally said. This was not what he needed, especially not today. He'd heard Diana sing "The Greatest Love of All". He'd been attacked by Girl Scouts. He'd had to come clubbing alone -- because GL was messing around with Hawkgirl.   
  
And Batman had given him a stare after Wally had grumbled something at Diana. The Stare -- the one that made Wally want to run away.   
  
Most of the time, he did.   
  
And now, there he was, about to make contact with the hottest chick he'd ever seen that didn't have superpowers, and Major Disaster had just strolled into the club.   
  
Ignore him, Wally, he told himself. Maybe he's just here for a good time, too.   
  
Yeah. That was it.   
  
The hot chick fluttered her eyelashes.   
  
Wally convinced himself, walked up to her.   
  
"Hey," he said. Then, because he realized she probably couldn't hear him over the throbbing disco music, he shouted, "Hey!"   
  
It wasn't his best line, but he'd bet five dollars that it was better than anything Batman could come up with.   
  
"Hey!" She shouted back.   
  
Wally felt like a stud. "Wanna dance?" Not his best line, either, but it was worth a try.   
  
He'd bet five more dollars that Batman didn't know how to dance.   
  
"Sure!" She hopped off the bar stool, leaned in close to tell him, "I was watching you earlier. You've got some great moves. I was hoping you'd walk over my way. I'm Linda, by the way."   
  
Ah, yeah, Batman might have the bad-boy thing going for him, but he didn't have Wally's moves. He'd bet ten dollars that Batman practiced Flash's walk in front of a mirror an hour every night. And his run? Sheesh…at least two hours.   
  
He led Linda onto the dance floor, shouting her over his shoulder, "Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man--" He felt a trembling under his feet. Beyond Linda, he saw Major Disaster yelling at another man, looking incredibly pissed off.   
  
"No time to talk," Wally told Linda, and rushed over to Disaster.   
  
The dude was going to ruin everything -- it was a perfect night, and he was going to ruin it. The music was loud. The women were warm.   
  
"--I've been kicked around since I was born!" Disaster was yelling.   
  
Flash zipped up to him. "And now it's alright, man. It's OK." He noted that a lot of the other patrons had been attracted to the disturbance, and Flash looked out over the crowd, assured them, "And you may look the other way."   
  
Major Disaster gave Flash a disgusted look, turned back to the other man at whom he'd been yelling, threw a clipping from a newspaper at him. Flash saw the headline: Metropolis City Council Votes Unanimously That Criminal Metahuman Major Disaster Must Leave the City!   
  
"Oh, jeez," Flash said, just imagining, trying to understand the Daily Planet's effect on this man.   
  
The effect was huge. The ground began shaking. Flash knew that the villain/sometimes-hero could create an earthquake. "Control it, Major Disaster! C'mon!"   
  
Disaster was shaking his head, an evil grin on his face. "If they are going to kick me out, I'm taking half of them with me."   
  
A piece of plaster fell from the ceiling, and Flash realized that people around him were screaming.   
  
A disco ball fell onto the head of a Boy George look-alike.   
  
"Time to be a hero," Flash muttered, and sped over to the injured man -- or woman. He couldn't tell.   
  
"Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother you're staying alive." In less than a second he was outside, set the person down in an open area of the parking lot, and was back inside, collecting someone else who'd been hurt. "Staying alive," he repeated. "Feel" A hot girl "the" A drunk guy "city" Another drunk guy "breaking" Two hot girls -- Siamese twins "and" Linda "everybody" A screaming bouncer "shaking, and we're staying alive."   
  
He ran into the club a final time, looked around. Everyone was out, but the place was falling apart. A shower of sparks exploded above him, hitting his arm. "Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!" He screamed, then ran back outside. "I'm staying alive."   
  
As he sped past the crowd, he heard snippets of their conversations:   
  
_Well, now-- __  
I get low and--   
I get high, and if--   
I can't get either--   
I really try--_   
  
Linda saw him when he skidded to a stop, sprinted toward him. "That was amazing! I thought you looked familiar! You're that fast guy on the Justice League."   
  
Wally smiled, leaned against a lamppost, feeling rather smug. Even Batman with all of his toys couldn't have done as great a job as he did. "Got the wings of heaven on my shoes, babe." He looked around then, trying to see Major Disaster, but the guy had escaped. He turned back to Linda. "I'm a dancing man and I just can't lose," he said. "Wanna try another club?"   
  
"Yes!" Linda grinned up at him. "It's Saturday night, and I've got a dancing fever."   
  
Ha! Wally thought. He'd bet fifteen bucks that a woman had never said that to Batman. Ol' pointy ears was probably brooding away the night on top of some gargoyle.   
  
_Intrusive narrative voice: Little did the Flash know, but Batman was not on top of a gargoyle, but singing to Wonder Woman…_   
  
TO BE CONTINUED


	7. Part Seven of Pi

Part Seven of Pi   
  
Diana sighed as she removed the towel from her hair. She had run out of conditioner the day before, and it was going to be a chore combing the tangles from her long, silky, ebony Amazon hair.   
  
If there was one thing that she appreciated Man's World for, it was the hair conditioner. The Amazons might have left Themyscira long ago, spread their message of peace to the world if they hadn't had to spend so much time brushing their hair.   
  
Not to mention shaving their legs. All those long, long legs -- and only knives to shave them with, no razors.   
  
A throat cleared, and Diana jumped, whirling around to see Batman detaching himself out of the deep, dark shadow in the corner of her bedroom.   
  
"Batman!" She clutched her towel to her chest, thankful that she'd been wearing a robe. But still...the silk was wet and clingy. "What are you doing here?" she asked breathlessly.   
  
He pointed to the chair in front of her vanity. "Sit," he growled.   
  
"But--"   
  
"Sit!"   
  
She sat. Not because he'd ordered it, she told herself, but because she had been about to sit anyway.   
  
She watched his approach in the mirror, saw her own reflection. Her lips were trembling with excitement. Her hair was tousled and tangled. Her silk robe clung to her form.   
  
And she was cold. Or, at least, that's what it looked like under the clinging silk.   
  
He came to a stop directly behind her, and he reached forward. Picked up her hairbrush. She gasped.   
  
He began to brush her hair, gently working through the tangles.   
  
"Oooh," she moaned. "Where did you learn to do this?"   
  
"India." His voice was gruff. "While learning techniques of meditation. My guru made his students untangle hair that had been used as a rat's nest for seven nights to learn patience. I was his star pupil." He paused. "And I went undercover as a beautician once."   
  
"Oh," she said, not really caring. It felt soooo good.   
  
"Diana, this is not why I am here, though."   
  
"Oh?" She looked at his reflection. This was it -- he was going to tell her how much he was attracted to her, then they would end up on the bed, and her hair would never get untangled, but it would be worth it because she would finally--   
  
"I made you think earlier that I was a jerk, by laughing at Superman while he was singing."   
  
Well, it had been kind of funny, Diana thought. She'd realized that she'd overreacted when she'd gone into the monitor room with her ice cream and Superman hadn't been sad at all, even though it surely wasn't easy to be him. "No, I--"   
  
Batman didn't let her finish. "And I wanted to prove to you that not only do I like Superman, but that I can open myself up to ridicule in the same way."   
  
"But, Batman, I don't--"   
  
"Be quiet, Diana!" he said. "This is hard enough for me as it is."   
  
"But you don't need to--"   
  
"Quiet!"   
  
She closed her mouth, deciding to let him do whatever he'd planned. She'd been going to save him from it, since he was so obviously uncomfortable, but he was far beyond listening to her.   
  
Stubborn man.   
  
"Just please keep brushing my hair while you do whatever it is you are going to do," she said meekly, trying very hard not to grin.   
  
He nodded sharply, then hit a button on his belt. She heard the strumming of a guitar.   
  
"Batbelt CD Player," he said, and cleared his throat, preparing to sing.   
  
She pressed her lips together, barely able to hold in her giggles.   
  
_Tarzan wasn't a ladies' man __  
He'd just come along and scoop 'em up under his arm   
Like that, quick as a cat in the jungle_   
  
Oh, great Hera, Diana thought. He was singing -- about a man who swung through trees on a vine. Was this a veiled reference to himself?   
  
He did have a nice baritone, she admitted.   
  
_But Clark Kent, now there was a real gent __  
He would not be caught sittin' around in no   
Junglescape, dumb as an ape doing nothing_   
  
Who was Clark Kent? Diana wondered. Was it Batman's real name? Was this a not-so-veiled reference to himself as well?   
  
Batman definitely wasn't dumb as an ape. He acted as boorishly as an ape at times, but definitely not dumb.   
  
Hmmm...apes. That reminded Diana of the time that she had saved Gorilla City, and Batman had dug through the rocket rubble to find her. She'd kissed him on the cheek.   
  
He'd blushed, and it had taken all of her strength not to throw him down there and make hot monkey love to him in front of all those gorillas.   
  
She was an Amazon, after all.   
  
_Superman never made any money __  
For saving the world from Solomon Grundy   
And sometimes I despair the world will never see   
Another man like him_   
  
Ah, so this was the part where he proved how much he liked Superman, Diana realized. Was he comparing himself and Superman in this song and finding himself lacking? If Batman was Tarzan and Superman was ... well, Superman in the song, then...well, Diana wasn't what.   
  
The important thing was that he hadn't stopped brushing her hair yet. Did he know that this was a weakness of hers?   
  
_Hey Bob, Supe had a straight job __  
Even though he could have smashed through any bank   
In the United States, he had the strength, but he would not   
Folks said his family were all dead   
Their planet crumbled but Superman, he forced himself   
To carry on, forget Krypton, and keep going_   
  
Diana frowned. That was pretty sad. She knew a little bit about Superman's history, but not much. And he was poor, too. She wondered if Batman was poor, then decided that he couldn't be, considering that he had a Bat CD Player. And a Bat-everything else.   
  
And she was pretty sure that Batman's name was Clark Kent. She tried to remember exactly how the name had shown up in the lyrics, but then realized it didn't matter. Batman was the Tarzan/Clark Kent figure in this song, as opposed to the Superman figure.   
  
_Tarzan was king of the jungle and Lord over all the apes __  
But he could hardly string together four words: 'I Tarzan, You Jane.'_   
  
Diana sighed happily. Yes, Batman was definitely Tarzan here. He didn't talk much at all -- and now, Diana wondered if she was supposed to be 'Jane'.   
  
_Sometimes when Supe was stopping crimes __  
I'll bet that he was tempted to just quit and turn his back   
On man, join Tarzan in the forest   
But he stayed in the city, and kept on changing clothes   
In dirty old phonebooths till his work was through   
And nothing to do but go on home _  
  
Diana smiled at Batman in the mirror, realizing that this last verse betrayed just how much he liked Superman -- he seemed to want him to live with him in Gotham, at least when Superman was sad.   
  
The song ended after Batman sang the chorus again. He continued brushing her hair; she was relaxed, but Diana could see the tenseness in his face.   
  
She decided to make him feel better. "Oh, Batman, that song has helped me realize a couple of things."   
  
"Such as?" He tried to keep the nervousness out of his voice, but she knew him well enough now to hear it.   
  
She stood, turned around. "That Superman must be very lonely, and that you definitely recognize that, no matter how hard on him you seem to be."   
  
He nodded slowly. "Anything else?"   
  
She took a deep breath. "It's made me realize how much I love...Clark Kent."   
  
His jaw dropped open, and he took a step back. "Clark?"   
  
She nodded eagerly. "That's what you said, right? That behind the hero is a man named Clark?"   
  
"Yes..." He swallowed hard. "Excuse me, I have to go." He turned and strode toward the door, leaving her staring after him in confusion.   
  
She heard him mutter as he walked out the door, "Batf**k."   
  
She frowned. What had she said that was wrong? Didn't he realize that she would put two and two together and realize that he was talking about himself?   
  
She turned, looked in the mirror. At least her hair was brushed, she thought. Now she'd have to straighten out some other things.   
  
**************   
  
It wasn't his fault he had superhearing, Clark told himself.   
  
It wasn't his fault he'd heard everything that had taken place in Diana's room.   
  
It wasn't his fault that Diana seemed to be in love with him.   
  
He thought about the lyrics that Batman had sung, and grimaced.   
  
And it wasn't his fault that Batman seemed to be in love with him, too.   
  
"Great Scott," he whispered. He looked around the Watchtower kitchen. "I'm going to Metropolis. I think I need to see Lois."   
  
If tonight was the night for confessing love, then he might as well join the crowd.

TO BE CONTINUED


	8. Part Eight of Kevin Bacon

Part Eight of Kevin Bacon   
  
Lois judo-chopped the neck of her final attacker and swore. She was really tired of goons and muggers jumping out from alleys to take her purse. It always happened, and ever since Superman had joined the Justice League, he'd apparently become too busy to help her out of every single jam that she got into – whether she got into them deliberately or not.   
  
One thing was for sure: the way things were going, she wasn't going to jump off any buildings anytime soon. Before, it was a sure thing that Supes would swoop down out of the sky and catch her. Now – well, she'd just as likely be splattered across the sidewalk like a bloody tabloid headline.   
  
And it wasn't just the muggers, she acknowledged. Earlier that day, she had infiltrated a gang's hideout, then gotten caught. She'd waited for Superman to hear her cries and save her, but eventually she realized that she'd have to get out of it on her own.   
  
And she had, but she broke a nail in the process. Her manicurist's bills had been much lower when Superman hadn't played around with all those over-muscled superheroes in space.   
  
And Clark – an involuntary growl escaped her throat just at the thought of him – had stopped coming to work as much. So there was no one around to get into more trouble than she did, and then mysteriously get out of it…trouble, that is.   
  
Superman, Clark…where had they gone?   
  
And when was the last time she'd had a date with a decent guy? All her dates lately had been either thieves, megalomaniacs or villains in disguise. "Where have all the good men gone?" She wondered as she kicked her mugger a final time. She looked up, gave an accusatory stare at Him in the sky. "And where are all the gods?"   
  
Probably playing around with that Wonder Woman chick, Lois thought. She had some connection to the gods, and people like Jason, Hercules, and heroes like that. Where was _Lois's_ street-wise Hercules, to fight the rising odds?   
  
Or hell, she'd even take a white knight, upon a fiery steed – although she'd rather have him drive a really fast car, and let her take the wheel once in a while.   
  
Or fly.   
  
She grimaced, and determined not to think about Superman. She had spent far too many late nights tossing and turning, dreaming of what she needed.   
  
She hated herself when she thought about how lonely she'd been, how she used to think over and over and over and over: _I need a hero (Superman). I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night. He's gotta be strong (like Superman) and he's gotta be fast (like Superman) and he's gotta be fresh from the fight (it especially turned her on when Superman was sooty or sweaty after beating the bad guys.)_   
  
And then she'd think it again as the morning approached. _I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light. He's gotta be sure (like Superman) and it's gotta be soon (like right now) and he's gotta be larger than life (like Superman)._   
  
But she was over that now, Lois told herself. She didn't need him as much anymore. She could take care of herself.   
  
She left her mugger lying in the street, not bothering to call the police. He'd just be out of the slammer the next day, anyway. She unlocked her apartment, kicked off her shoes, threw a frozen dinner in the microwave and then pulled a carton of ice cream out of the freezer.   
  
She sat down at the table, spoon in hand, not bothering to use a bowl or a cup or a paper plate or anything, just eating it straight out of the carton. She heard the beep of the microwave, signaling that her Budget Gourmet meal had finished, but she kept on eating the ice cream.   
  
She was tired. And she missed Clark.   
  
And at times, she even admitted that she missed Superman.   
  
She finished the ice cream, and lay down on the couch, remote in hand. She stared blankly at the screen for several hours. Then, somewhere after midnight, like a scene out of her wildest fantasies, she imagined Superman floating outside her balcony window.   
  
"Ugh, too much sugar," she told herself. "Because it seems as though somewhere just beyond my reach there's someone reaching back for me."   
  
And yes, in her dream/fantasy, Superman was holding his arm out to her. She realized that a storm had broken outside, and his uniform was soaked, showing even more detail than usual.   
  
She licked her lips.   
  
No! She wouldn't give into this. She didn't need him, didn't want him. He was always gone.   
  
But her heart was racing with the thunder, and rising with the heat of the room.   
  
And she came to a realization. _It's gonna take a Superman to sweep me off my feet._   
  
The balcony doors opened under a touch of his fantasy hand. Wind and rain swept into the room, pelting her with a fine mist.   
  
Was he really there? Or was he up where the mountains meet the heavens above? Out where the lightning splits the sea? Before, when he had been around, she would swear that there was someone, somewhere, watching her.   
  
But through the wind and the chill and the rain, and the storm and the flood that would surely follow, she could feel his approach like a fire in her blood.   
  
"I need a hero," she whispered.   
  
He answered, and she was suddenly sure that he really was there. "I'm here, Lois," he said. "And I love you."   
  
"This isn't real," she moaned. "This is the result of a sugar high. This has happened to me before: these dreams always go on when I close my eyes. Every second of the night, I live another life."   
  
"I'm real, Lois," he said, and swept her into his arms. His wet uniform plastered her nightgown to her front.   
  
"In the morning when I awake, the further I'm away from you." She held him close. "There's something out there – about you – I can't resist."   
  
He kissed her gently.   
  
"In a wood full of princes, freedom is a kiss," she said when he lifted his head. There was something more that she needed to know, that she could only guess at. "But the prince hides his face from dreams in the mist."   
  
Superman stared at her for a moment, then seemed to come to a decision. He reached into a pocket of his cape, pulled out a pair of spectacles.   
  
"I'm only doing this because I love you, Lois. To me, your love is like a river, peaceful and deep. Your soul is like a secret that I never could keep." He paused. "And I'm tired of keeping secrets from you, Lois."   
  
She held her breath as he slipped on the glasses.   
  
TO BE CONTINUED


	9. Part Nine of the Third Little Pig

Part Nine of the Third Little Pig   
  
"So then we went to another nightclub and danced the night away," Flash said. He leaned back on the couch, completely comfortable in the rec room of the Titans headquarters.   
  
Nightwing glanced over at him. "So you are going to see her again?"   
  
"Definitely."   
  
Tempest looked up from his magazine, a National Geographic devoted to underwater life. "How you can even think about another girl when the two hottest women in the world live in the Watchtower with you is beyond me." He closed the magazine, added, "I think that my dad and Wonder Woman even had a little bit of a flirtation going, once upon a time."   
  
Flash snorted. "Wonder Woman and Aquaman? I doubt it, Garth. She hates men, because of their pointy little parts. And Aquaman has one more pointy part than most."   
  
Troia frowned. "I don't think that is true. She is probably just reserved around them."   
  
Lifting an eyebrow, Nightwing wondered, "And how would you know?"   
  
"I don't know," Troia said. "I just feel like I have a weird connection to her."   
  
"I wish you had her fashion sense," Nightwing grinned. "I think even Batman is somewhat enamored of her bathing suit." He dodged the water bottle Troia threw at him.   
  
"I think she makes a great statement," Troia defended. "An 'I am woman, and I won't bow to your ridiculous male determined sense of modesty, nor am I a sex object' statement."   
  
"That might not be what she intends, but it's definitely what _I'm_ thinking when I see her," Tempest said.   
  
"Yeah," Flash said. "She's a brick house. She's mighty mighty, just letting it all hang out."   
  
"She's 'a brick house'?" Troia repeated incredulously, unable to believe the sexist words coming from her teammates' mouths. Troia wouldn't wear a costume like that herself, but she didn't think Diana looked immodest. And there was definitely nothing 'hanging out'. The bustier stayed in place, somehow.   
  
Troia wondered if she used some kind of superglue, or if Diana really was that…perky.   
  
"The lady's stacked, and that's a fact," Nightwing said.   
  
"She ain't holding nothing back." Tempest grinned, holding both hands out in front of him, pantomiming a squeeze.   
  
Troia jumped to her feet. "That's because she's the one, the only one, who's built like an Amazon!"   
  
The men looked at Troia's red face, realized that she was about to beat the crap out of them all, and scattered.   
  
*****************   
  
In the Batcave, Bruce shook his head, wondering how the Titans ever managed to defeat body odor, let alone some of the more dangerous threats in the universe. He had a monitor link into the Titan's headquarters – he had to keep an eye on his protégé, after all.   
  
"'Enamored of her bathing suit,'" Bruce growled scathingly. He was still smarting from Diana's earlier rejection of him – but he hadn't given up on her yet. "It isn't the bathing suit, Dick. Or, not _just_ that, anyway. The clothes she wears, the sexy ways…"   
  
"Make an old man wish for younger days, sir." Alfred appeared out of nowhere. Bruce had to acknowledge that he'd probably picked up that trick from his butler.   
  
"I found bat-fur in my costume, Alfred."   
  
"Then shake it down, shake it down, sir."   
  
Bruce's lips twisted. Sometimes he was so clueless when it came to laundry and fabric management that he wondered what he'd do without Alfred.   
  
"Thank you, Alfred."   
  
A beep alerted him to an emergency unfolding in Gotham.   
  
He pulled up the information on the huge Bat-screen. "Funky Billy Chin and Little Sammy Chung are starting a fight. Someone's going to get killed, so I've got to stop it. To the Batmobile!"   
  
TO BE CONTINUED


	10. Part Ten, Hidden Dragon

Part Ten, Hidden Dragon   
  
Diana crouched like a star-spangled tiger next to the dumpster, watching Batman fight his way through a gang uprising. She would have helped, but she had the feeling that his ego would be irreparably bruised if she took out a gang member or ten on his behalf.   
  
In any case, Batman was fighting too fast, too furious to be beaten, so she wasn't worried about him.   
  
She was worried, however, about the group of onlookers who were coming ever closer to her hiding spot. Soon they would see her crouching there like a hidden golden-eagle dragon, and think that Wonder Woman was not a team player.   
  
There was no 'WW' in team, after all, so she had to work extra hard sometimes.   
  
And there was definitely no 'Bat symbol on a yellow oval field,' either, but yet Batman always worked with them, for some reason. Lately, it had become apparent to Diana that she might be one of the reasons that Batman worked in a team; he seemed to have some special feelings for her – enough feelings that he had revealed his true identity to her.   
  
She hugged that knowledge close to her bustier – Batman was Clark Kent, intrepid reporter. And she loved him.   
  
But those thoughts were swept from her mind as the crowd moved closer. Inspiration struck, and she realized that all she needed was a disguise, like Batman wore. She'd seen pictures of him in his civilian clothes, and his disguise was so good he looked a lot like Superman with glasses.   
  
So she spun around. Really, really fast. The spinning created a vacuum, followed by a great wind that somehow managed to selectively carry size six stylish street clothes and a pair of glasses to Diana's waiting form. It also put her hair up into a ponytail. And changed her boots.   
  
Suitably disguised, she joined the crowd, ready to protect any of the innocents should the fighting in front of them get out of hand – which it possibly could do, since thirty gang members were, um, ganging up on Batman.   
  
Diana watched, impressed, as Batman handled the mobsters, each of whom seemed uncommonly knowledgeable of the martial arts. Everybody was kung fu fighting.   
  
"Wow, man, those cats are fast as lightning!" A man dressed in a velvet leisure suit exclaimed behind Diana.   
  
She turned, a questioning look on her face. "Cats?" Was this something to do with Catwoman?   
  
"Yeah, you know, cats…cool dudes." The man shrugged, his enormous velvet hat wobbling. "But, I guess you could also say 'those kicks were fast as lightning'."   
  
Diana turned back to the fight in time to see Batman barely escape a lethal blow to the head. "It's a little bit frightening," she murmured. "But at least he has expert timing." She paused, then wondered, "Do you know what is going on?"   
  
The man grinned, a gold capped tooth winking under the streetlight. "Sure, baby. There was funky Billy Chin and little Sammy Chung. He said, 'here comes the big boss, let's get it on'."   
  
"Get what on?"   
  
"The fighting, baby, the fighting. It's an ancient Chinese art, and everybody knew their part. These turf wars are about honor, sweet thing."   
  
Batman moved from a feint into a slip, and kicking from the hip he knocked down the last of the gang members. Diana breathed a sigh of relief, then stiffened when the man ensconced in velvet put his hand on her arm.   
  
"Say, baby, you looking for a boyfriend? I could get you some work around here. Pretty face like yours would bring in a lot of customers."   
  
Realizing the man was just being polite by offering her a job, she gently removed his arm and smiled. "Maybe some other time."   
  
She took a step back, bumped into Batman's solid chest. He glared down at her, and she realized that he was about to lecture her about visiting his city.   
  
Well, if he wanted an argument, a fight, she'd give him one. Remembering the words of little Sammy Chung, she tilted her chin, crossed her arms over her chest, and said, "Let's get it on."   
  
Batman's eye slits widened. "Are you serious?"   
  
She nodded, thrust her chest out a little more in a defensive gesture. His gaze dropped to her bosom.   
  
"Oh, mercy mercy me," he gulped.

TO BE CONTINUED


	11. Part Eleven of Reality TV

Part Eleven of Reality TV   
  
Hawkgirl slid out from beneath the covers, leaving John and all his manly Marine muscles sleeping soundly in her little nest.   
  
She was happy. Unbelievably happy. She skipped her way down the hall to the kitchen. She sang as she fixed breakfast – John would be disappointed that she didn't scramble any eggs, but that was just disgusting.   
  
He'd have to settle for Eggos.   
  
She poured syrup into every little waffle square, turned, and froze. "Holy crap," she said. Then she got angry, and wished she had her mace. "You dare come here? After all you've done?"   
  
Katar Hol, strapping in all _his_ winged manliness stood staring at her, his arms held wide. "It's hard to say I'm sorry. It's hard to make the things I did undone—a lesson I've learned too well, for sure."   
  
"Oh, give me a break," Shayera grumbled.   
  
Katar took a step forward, tried to embrace her, Eggos and all. Shayera felt sticky syrup drip down her front, then the tickle of one of his feathers as he hugged her.   
  
She was going to be _really_ mad if his wings got stuck to the syrup and her chest. She opened her mouth to tell him what she thought of him, but he was already saying, "I'm trying to figure out just what to do. I'm going crazy without you."   
  
"There's this little place called Arkham that might be interested in taking you in—" she began, but he interrupted her.   
  
"You're all I ever wanted. You're all I ever needed. So tell me what to do now that I want you back." He took a deep breath, tried to pull away.   
  
"Ouch!"   
  
Ignoring Shayera's cry, he looked into her eyes, bumped beaks with her before she could jerk her head away. "Baby, I remember the way you used to look at me and say, 'promises never last forever.' I told you not to worry, I said everything would be all right. I didn't know then you were right. But I want you back, oh yeah. You're all I ever wanted, You're all I ever—"   
  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Shayera sputtered, and finally managed to yank out of his embrace. "I'm all you ever wanted, I'm all you ever needed. I get it." She tossed the plate with its squished waffles into the sink, placed her hands on her hips, and faced him. "But let me tell you how it really is, Mr. Leave-Me-Here-Without-A-Word!" Her chest heaved with anger. "At first I was afraid, I was petrified, thinking I could never live without you by my side."   
  
Katar took a step forward, "I'm sorry, my little chicken nugget—"   
  
Shayera held up her hand, stopped him before he could hug or beak her again. "But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong, and I grew strong, I learned how to get along."   
  
"But now I'm back—"   
  
Putting her palm against his chest, so sexily criss-crossed with his yellow harness, she gave a little shove, and he stumbled backwards. "And now you're back from outer space, I just walked in to find you here with that look upon your face. The JL should have changed that stupid lock, we should have made you leave your key, if I'd known for one second you'd be back to bother me."   
  
"But now we can—"   
  
She gave him a little kick, and he fell back down the hall toward the transporter room. "Oh now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, cause you're not welcome anymore. Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye. Did you think I'd crumble, did you think I'd lay down and die?"   
  
She saw John poke his head out of her bedroom door, take a quick step toward her, but she gestured for him to stay where he was. She continued pushing Katar toward the transporter. "Oh no, not I. I will survive. As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive."   
  
"But you can love me—"   
  
"I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give, I'll survive!" She repeated vehemently. "It took all the strength I had not to fall apart, just trying to mend the pieces of my broken heart. And I spent so many nights feeling sorry for myself, I used to cry, but now I hold my head up high."   
  
She stopped at her bedroom, gave an astounded GL a quick kiss, and grabbed her mace. She went back out into the hallway, brandished it Katar's way. "And I hold this up high. You see me, somebody new. I'm not that stupid little person who's still in love with you. And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free, but I'm saving all my love for someone who's loving me."   
  
Katar looked over her shoulder at GL. "Him?"   
  
She charged the mace. "Go. Walk out that door into the transporter room."   
  
He held up his hands in surrender. "Okay, okay." He glared at GL for a moment before adding, "That girl is mine, and I want her back."   
  
GL leaned against the doorjamb and grinned. "Cry me a river, Birdman."   
  
Hawkgirl lowered her mace in surprise, turned on GL in annoyance. "Birdman? Does that make me Birdgirl?"   
  
John's grin faded. Katar's grin widened. "No!" John tried to backpedal quickly, but knew by Shayera's reddening cheeks that she was about to whack both men into oblivion. "You know, that old cartoon, with Birdman. Biiiiiiiird-Man!"   
  
Shayera wasn't amused.   
  
Katar was.   
  
Until Shayera lifted her mace and came after both of them.   
  
**************   
  
J'onn huddled in the corner of the kitchen, wondering about the smell of Eggos that permeated the room. He lifted the phone, dialed the secret number.   
  
A woman's sultry voice answered on the other end. After giving her his credit card number, she began speaking.   
  
J'onn was one of her best customers, and she knew just what to do for him. "Grab hold of that bottle of milk, baby. That's right. Now shake it up baby, now."   
  
He shook the milk for all he was worth.   
  
Her sensual tones shivered through him. "Now twist that cap off hard. Twist and shout as the milk pours into your glass."   
  
J'onn twisted, and let out a small yelp as he filled the glass, then pulled a package of Oreos onto his lap.   
  
"Get those cookies out of that bag, you big, strong man. Oooh, it makes me trembled just to think of you stroking your cookies. C'mon baby, now, work them on out of that package."   
  
He eagerly pulled the cookies out of the cellophane, laid them out in front of himself. "Oh, they look so good."   
  
"You know they look and twist so good. They twist so fine." Her voice lowered, became urgent. "C'mon and twist them a little closer now, and let them know they are yours."   
  
He twisted the cookie close to his face, inhaled the delicious scent of the creamy filling. "I'll let you know you are mine," he told the hapless, waiting Oreo. He bit into it.   
  
"Ooooooooohhhhhhh!" The woman cried out. "Ooooooooooohhhhh! I'm twisting and shouting, baby!"   
  
J'onn finished the entire package with her voice moaning into his ear. It cost him $48.76, but it was well worth it.   
  
The horror of the Girl Scout Cookie incident was starting to fade.


	12. Part Twelve of a White Wedding

Part Twelve of a White Wedding   
  
**Last time, at Lois's apartment…**   
  
_"I'm only doing this because I love you, Lois. To me, your love is like a river, peaceful and deep. Your soul is like a secret that I never could keep." He paused. "And I'm tired of keeping secrets from you, Lois." __  
  
She held her breath as he slipped on the glasses. _  
  
**And now, her reaction…**   
  
Lois, tough reporter extraordinaire, master of the judo chop, queen of the hot scoop, with the nosiest nose for news ever, sat down on her couch, speechless.   
  
Clark, sensitive reporter extraordinaire, Pulitzer Prize winner, master of all spandex and underwear on the outside wearings, faster than a speeding bullet hero, sat down next to her and began begging. "Please, Lois, forgive me for my deception, but I wanted you to love me for me! Clark, not just as Superman."   
  
Lois shook her head in disbelief. "I thought Superman was perfect, but now I find out he has bad vision. I thought God must have spent a little more time on you, but now I find out you have flaws like everyone else."   
  
Clark drew away from her, affronted. "Bad vision? Lois, these are fake glasses. They are just a disguise. I don't really need them; I really am perfect. Beyond perfect, actually."   
  
"Well, in that case…" Lois jumped on his lap, bruising her bottom on his beyond perfect steely thigh muscles. "Take me to bed."   
  
As he carried her into her room, Lois thought of all the men, including Lex, whom she'd been with before. And yet, with Clark holding her so close, she realized that it was like the first time all over again.   
  
"I made it through the wilderness," she told him, snuggling into his steely beyond perfect chest. "Somehow I made it through." Before Clark had come along, she'd been drifting from one man to the other; but now here he was, her friend and hero. "I didn't know how lost I was until I found you. I was beat, incomplete; I'd been had, and I was sad and blue." He lay her down on the bed, and she suddenly felt shy. "But you make me feel, yeah you make me feel shiny and new."   
  
Clark looked down at her, a funny expression on his face. "Like a virgin? Touched for the very first time?"   
  
She nodded, drew him down onto the mattress beside her. "Like a virgin," she confirmed, and pressed herself against him. "When your heart beats next to mine."   
  
"I'm gonna give you all my love, girl," Clark promised. His fear was fading fast. "I've been saving it all for you, cause only love can last."   
  
Lois pulled away, surprised. "What?"   
  
"I've been saving it all for you," Clark repeated.   
  
She giggled. She couldn't help it. "You're a virgin?"   
  
He blushed; his cheeks were stained a beyond perfect steely rose color. "Technically."   
  
Her eyebrows shot up. "Technically? What does that mean?"   
  
"Ah…um…" Clark hedged. "I think I hear a bank alarm."   
  
Lois narrowed her eyes, crossed her arms. "You aren't running away anywhere just because you are scared."   
  
"I'm not scared!" he protested. He knew it was a lie, though. He looked at Lois's bed and her cute little pose and wanted to run.   
  
But even if he had wanted to run, he wasn't fast enough. Lois, reporter, de-virginizer, secret romance book reader, attacked him and pulled him to her.   
  
"Oh, Great Scott!" Clark cried out in fear.


	13. Part Thirteen of Marcia's Nose

Part Thirteen of Marcia's Nose   
  
Diana stared dumbfounded out of the Batmobile's windshield. She'd been staring, dumbfounded, since Batman had thrown her over his shoulder, dumped her in the passenger seat and roared off toward his cave.   
  
She'd finally figured out the other possible meaning to 'let's get it on,' and couldn't exactly say that she was displeased with how things had turned out. The Amazon motto was, after all: _make love not war._ Therefore she should hit the bed, not the floor.   
  
And now they were driving, driving in his car, speeding so fast it felt like she was drunk. The city lights spread out before them, and his arm felt nice around her shoulder. And she was feeling like she belonged; she felt like she could be—   
  
"Bat-damn."   
  
She turned to him; he was looking into the rearview mirror, a scowl on his face. "What is it?"   
  
"We've got a bunch of thorny vines chasing us down the highway. They are coming up behind us very quickly. It must be Poison Ivy."   
  
Diana shifted in the seat, looked out the back window. She gasped; it was if the Amazon jungle (the other one) had picked itself up by its roots and decided that Batman was its mortal, chainsaw wielding, slash-and-burn enemy.   
  
She'd never seen vines squirm so fast before, and she'd been attacked by a lot of vegetation in her life.   
  
"You've got a fast car," she said. "Is it fast enough so we can fly away?"   
  
Batman grimaced. "I've been thinking about putting a jet engine and hidden wings into the Batmobile, but I hadn't made a concrete decision about the modifications yet." At her withering look, he added quickly, "What? I've got the Bat-Jet. A Bat-Jet-Mobile seemed a little extravagant."   
  
"Well, you've got to make that decision, because if we don't leave right now we're gonna die this way."   
  
He didn't answer, except to Bat-Grunt. He pulled his arm from around her shoulder and pressed down on the gas.   
  
**********   
  
The Flash leaned back in his chair, whistled a little tune. His date with Linda had gone amazingly well, if he did say so himself.   
  
And now Monitor Duty was almost over, and he had twenty-four hours to kill. Twenty four hours – to Flash, that was almost like a lifetime.   
  
The door to the monitor womb opened and Shayera came in. The Flash sat up straight, decided not to say anything. It was four o'clock in the morning; if he said anything, anything at all, Shayera would likely ram her mace up his—   
  
His thoughts ground to a sudden halt as he realized that Shayera was humming something. Shayera. Humming.   
  
And it was a love song that he vaguely recognized, but couldn't remember the name of, or the lyrics.   
  
Well, hell—if Shayera was humming a love song, then maybe she wasn't in such a bad mood after all.   
  
"Hey, Shy, whatcha singing?"   
  
Oops. He watched as she seemed to realize that she had been humming something, as she seemed to realize what it was, and then proceeded to stare at him as if he had just killed a puppy.   
  
He backed away. "Oh, hey never mind. I'll just take off. It's sunny in Australia right now, so that's where I'm spending the day. Yeah. IthinkI'llgoforawalkoutsidenowthesummersun'scallingmyname." He edged toward the door, careful not to move too quickly. "Ijustcan'tstayinsidealldaygottagetoutgottagetsomeofthoserays."   
  
"Everybody's smiling," Shayera growled.   
  
"Sunshinedays," Flash replied, grinning uneasily.   
  
"Everybody's laughing," Shayera scowled.   
  
"Sunshinedays." Just two more steps, and he'd make it to the door.   
  
"Every body feels so happy today." _But not me,_ Shayera thought. _No, not only are both men I've been in love with jerks, but now I'm humming that damn song._   
  
It used to be _their_ song. She and Katar had sung it to each other every night while they were dating.   
  
Flash, who wasn't telepathic, didn't know anything of what Shayera was thinking at that moment, and he valued his life too much to hang around and find out about it anyway. He took off at near the speed of light, skidding past the transporters and coming to a stop near the kitchen.   
  
And he realized that the song Shayera had been humming had found its way into his head.   
  
"Arrrgh!" he cried out, as the lyrics popped unbidden into his mind, the chorus recycling over and over internally.   
  
_Love lift us up where we belong __  
Where the eagles cry, on a mountain high   
Love lift us up where we belong   
Far from the world we know   
Up where the clear winds blow…_   
  
The Flash knew that once a song got stuck in his head it often took a day to get it out. And for someone like the Flash, a whole day could be a lifetime…


	14. Part Fourteen of the Beginning of the En...

Part Fourteen of The Beginning of the End   
  
Clark got out of bed. He dressed. He went into the kitchen to make some eggs. He danced around the room with a spatula in his hand.   
  
He was no longer technically a virgin.   
  
Drawn by the smell of cooking albumen, Lois found Clark spinning around the room, careening madly from one side to the other.   
  
She smirked. Yeah, she was that good. "Hey, Smallville," she said, then realized that she'd have to re-think the nickname. There was nothing _small_ about Clark. "Super" was definitely the correct term.   
  
Clark stopped spinning. "Lois!" He was at her side in a millisecond, grabbing her, kissing her. When he stopped, his grin was huge. "I'm so happy."   
  
She patted his cheek. "Of course you are, Clark." She was, too, but it was far too early in the morning to show it.   
  
She did emit a squeak, though, when he picked her up, flew them over to the balcony, then up into the sky. Suddenly, it hit her: she was in love with the greatest American hero that ever lived, and he loved her back. She was filled with wonder as they soared over Metropolis. "Look what's happened to me," she said as they passed above LexCorp. "I can't believe it myself. Suddenly I'm upon top of the world; it should have been somebody else."   
  
Clark laughed. "Believe it or not, we're walking on air." He looked at her fondly as he executed a stunning dive that would leave her breathless and laughing. "I never thought I could feel so free."   
  
"We're flying away on a wing and a prayer," she marveled.   
  
Down below, a pedestrian pointed up to the pajama clad couple soaring through the sky. "Who could it be?" he asked the person next to him.   
  
Clark's supersensitive ears heard him, and he replied, "Believe it or not, it's just me."   
  
Lois was ignorant of the pedestrian's question, and didn't know what the hell he was talking about. But she let it slide, and commented, "It's like the light of a new day, coming from out of the blue. It's breaking me out of the spell I was in, making all of my wishes come true."   
  
Well, not all of them; her wish to have a nice, uninterrupted day with Clark in bed was dashed by the JL beeper.   
  
"Aw, shucks," Clark said. He pressed a button, heard J'onn's voice announcing:   
  
_Superman, we need your help! Diana and Batman have been captured by villains!_   
  
"Which villain?" Clark wondered. After all, Batman could handle almost any villain by himself, and with Diana by his side, they could take out at least ten. Maybe more, if Batman had any preparation time.   
  
_Well…all of them, I think._


	15. Part Fifteen of That Really Cool Car

Part Fifteen of That Really Cool Car With the Vroom Vroom Red Thingy in Front   
  
"Batman?" Diana raised her head, tried to move her body, but the thorny vines holding her were too strong. She could see Batman lying on a platform, nestled in a deep bed of – Great Hera, were those fingernail clippings? "Ew," she said.   
  
Poison Ivy rustled over to Wonder Woman, saw that the star-spangled heroine was awake. "I see you have observed your teammate's predicament."   
  
"That's pretty twisted, sister," Diana said.   
  
Poison Ivy's mouth curled into a smile like a leaf curls under intense heat. "Have you ever seen the movie _Fight Club_?"   
  
Since arriving in Man's World Diana had only watched _Knight Rider_ reruns, so she answered truthfully, "No."   
  
"You really should," Ivy's ivy colored eyes sparkled with restrained lust. "Brad Pitt is really hot."   
  
Diana wondered briefly if she would be lucky enough to live, and if she did live, if she would be lucky enough do see Batman's face, and if she did see Batman's face, if she would be lucky enough to see he looked kind of like David Hasselhoff.   
  
Young David Hasselhoff.   
  
But she was probably out of luck – after all, he looked a lot like Superman when he was in disguise. Or out of disguise. She really didn't know which was the disguise: Batman or Clark Kent.   
  
"Anyway," Ivy said, each word thumping like an acorn falling from a dying oak tree, "all the villains around here have started their own Fight Club—but they call it 'Villain Club'—but they won't let women join."   
  
"Those sexist bastards!" Diana cried.   
  
"Well, they are villains, so it isn't surprising they are sexist." Ivy pursed her two tulip lips and briefly contemplated giving Diana an evil plant serum so that the heroine would join Ivy's gang of evil girls. (It was an evil plant serum because it would turn Diana evil, and because the idea of turning a nice heroine evil was evil – not because the plant itself was evil. No, the serum was derived from a very gentlemanly plant, actually.) "But anyway, I've decided to follow in the footsteps of the Fight Club in my own way, but instead of creating soap from fat stolen from the trash of a plastic surgery clinic, I've been stealing fingernails from the local beauty salons."   
  
"You are going to make soap from fingernails?" Diana asked.   
  
"Well, no, not exactly," Ivy hedged. "I kind of planned on building a nuclear bomb that kills all human life while leaving plant life alive out of them."   
  
Over Ivy's shoulder, Diana could see Batman slowly wake. He was pissed. She could see the stone set in his eyes even as she felt a thorn twist in her side.   
  
_I'll wait for you,_ she tried to communicate with her eyes, letting him know that he could make the first move to free them at any time.   
  
He began moving his hand toward his utility belt, and Diana knew that through a sleight of hand and maybe a twist of fate he'd have a tool out and himself unlocked before she could say, "Great Hera."   
  
On a bed of nails Ivy made him wait, and he waited without Diana (since she was tied up somewhere else, of course).   
  
"So why did you kidnap us, then?" Diana said, trying to keep Ivy from noticing Batman's roving hand.   
  
"Because I want Batman to fight in the Villain's Fight club. He'll kick all of their villain asses, and that'll show them they shouldn't kick out a woman just because she's a woman," Ivy said in a grassy voice. "Then, after Batman's done, I'll blow them up with my fingernail bomb."   
  
"Why kidnap me?" Diana asked.   
  
Ivy waved her hand like a sheaf of wheat blowing in the breeze. "Oh, you were just with him, so I had to take you. I plan on killing you in just a second."   
  
Batman's hand froze as he registered Ivy's words. Diana couldn't die – he couldn't live without her.   
  
Well, he couldn't live with her either, he thought. There were too many complications.   
  
So he couldn't live with or without her.   
  
"Ah, but you give yourself away, Batman!" Ivy suddenly turned like a rose turns to the sun. "I hear your movements like an ear of corn hears—"   
  
Diana suddenly managed to whip her head forward quickly; her tiara flew from her forehead and hit Poison Ivy below the ear—Ivy fell like a sequoia.   
  
"Batman, have you found your unlocking tool?" Diana wondered urgently.   
  
"I still haven't found what I'm looking for," Batman said.   
  
"Hurry," Diana said. "I think I hear voices coming this way – voices that belong to the members of the Villain's Club!"   
  
"Maybe they decided not to be sexist pigs after all," Batman said.   
  
"Oh, joy," Diana said, lamenting that it was _that_ moment the villains had decided to stop being misogynist jerks. If they had only hated women a little longer, maybe she would have had the chance to tell Batman how she felt.   
  
But now, it was too late…the door was opening, and the Villain Club entered the room…


	16. Song and Lyric Credits

Here are the titles of the songs and artists that I've used in this songfic. Sometimes I've used a significant amount of the lyrics, sometimes I've just referenced a single line or a title.  
  
Part 1  
  
Superman by Five For Fighting  
  
Part 2  
  
Red Red Wine by UB40/Neil Diamond (I can't remember which version of the lyrics I used)  
  
Part 3  
  
Dirty Diana/Liberian Girl by Michael Jackson  
  
Part 4  
  
Oops I Did It Again/Baby One More Time by Britney Spears  
  
Part 5  
  
The Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston  
  
It's Gonna Be Me by N'Sync  
  
Part 6  
  
Stayin' Alive by the Bee Gees  
  
Part 7  
  
Superman by Crash Test Dummies  
  
Part 8  
  
Holding Out For a Hero by Bonnie Tyler  
  
These Dreams by Heart  
  
God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You by N'Sync  
  
Part 9  
  
Brick House by the Commodores  
  
Part 10  
  
Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas  
  
Let's Get It On/Mercy Mercy Me by the incomparable Marvin Gaye Part 11  
  
I Want You Back by the Backstreet Boys  
  
I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor  
  
Cry Me a River by Justin Timberlake  
  
Twist and Shout by the Beatles  
  
Part 12  
  
Like a Virgin by Madonna  
  
Part 13  
  
Fast Car by Tracy Chapman  
  
Sunshine Days by the Brady Bunch Kids  
  
Up Where We Belong by Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes  
  
Part 14  
  
Believe It or Not aka "The Greatest American Hero" theme by Joey Scarbury  
  
Part 15  
  
With or Without You by U2  
  
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For by U2 


End file.
